I feel that as a parent, I'm at a crossroads again.
It's not a nice place to be. A lot of the important times in life are not nice places to be - but they get done, and got through, and moved on.
I can't move on until I've got through - I hope you understand the reference. What I mean is, to get where I am going, I need to get through the thing that I'm in first. I can't "move on" until I've "got through". There is no other way to get there than to, simply, get through first.
And it hurts, because just like 3 years ago when I felt that we, as a family, really found our feet - I'm at a point like that again. I don't yet know how it's going to end well, except that I know that it will. I will keep trusting in the gut feeling that all will be well, because eventually, it will. All will be well. I know it.
Changes start by little rubbings at first. Something rubs a little, but not hard enough for not to be able to ignore it and brush it off. Then something else rubs a little, too, and then another thing. Eventually little rubbings get plentiful enough that it really does start to feel like something needs to be done, because it's not good to just continue on and hope for the better because, really, the thing's not going anywhere.
The thing needs to be dealt with.
I'm at a crossroads where I feel, yet again I am going to "simmer" for a while, look within for the answers that lie deep, and then I am going to pick up enough confidence and gusto to stomp my foot on the ground, say, "I'll do what I think is better" because, at the end of the day, it is my family and my child and our home, and at the end of the day, it is our decision.
It's our family's decision, and it comes down to what we value - and what we value is not necessarily the same as what other people value.
I know, it's cryptic, but it's not my place to explain the situation - only to shed light on how I feel in the middle of it all, and how I cope with the job of parenthood because, my God, it is the hardest thing I have ever done, being a parent.
It is rewarding, and challenging, being a parent - but it's also very, very hard.