I don't feel healthy at the moment. In part, it's not a surprise: the last month and a half has been tough. For the amount of distress, and lack of rest, and a lack of sleep, and a lack of control I feel I have over the circumstances, it's only normal to expect me to feel unwell.
But don't get me wrong: if I walked into a doctor's office today, they'd say I'm fine; 'cause, physically, I am.
But I don't feel well. I don't feel strong, nor healthy at the moment. I'm not even managing the epilepsy too well - the consumption of water is off, and the amount of good quality of sleep I am getting, and the food I eat, and the kind of exercise I get. It's not good.
It's not bad bad - but it's not good.
I don't get full-on generalised seizures, but I do get the small stuff, the what they call "simple partial" seizures. I feel the condition building for a couple of days until I get a day of it, and then it takes two-three days to get off it again; and it sucks.
It's also distressing to feel what it does to my mental capacities: I'd go to log on to my internet banking and not know what my access code is, hand someone a pan but forget what it's called - "p...p... p... it starts with p" I'd think to myself, but not be able to actually get the word stored in my brain somewhere, "pan", because it would feel like the word just is not there. I'd look at a person and think, man, I've met you somewhere, but I can't remember where. Or think of a name but not know if it's actually the right one. Step into a kitchen and think, what did I come here for?
For all I know, it's the stress and tiredness and overwhelming amount of information that's doing it, but if some day in the future I sit in a neurologist's office and they ask, when did I start noticing the gradual decline in neurological function, I'd say 29. Right after the epilepsy itself started.
And it sucks to feel that way, but heck, I've got four working limbs and a decent heart and strong lungs and I am going to make the best with what I've got, even if the thing that matters to me a lot - my brain - is not doing that well at the moment.
And, to ask that you don't get me wrong here either: it's not bad bad. I can still get the highest score on a school test, and run cosines on a roof angle calculation, and cope with my life.
But I can tell the difference.
And I am looking forward to next week.
Because on Wednesday, The Kid is starting school. The week after that I am probably going to catch up on my overdue school assignments. Maybe in a month there is going to be a pattern and a rhythm to our days again. The house will get insulated, the heat pump installed. The roof gutter will get fixed so that water isn't rushing down our porch ceiling and seeping under our front door, and the masses of greenwaste piled up in our yard will go to the composting station.
I'm sure something else will pop up, like it seems to do at the moment, but I'll deal with it once I'm there.