I know I am wearing myself dry and thin, and that it'll take me several weeks to regain full health and energy again, but at the same time, I know that my mother is here for only a few weeks and even in the best case scenario it'll be several years before we see again, before she sees my children again. Worst case scenario, never - it's kind of that back-of-the-head thought when parents get to that 60+ age when, sometimes, things just happen.
I know that it is taking a toll on everyone, the way our days are so different, the way we run around town, go swimming, visit parks, shops - my mother loves shopping - but because it is only for a few weeks, I do it.
I am tired. The Kid is grizzly. Days are a but of a... mess at the moment, but...
She's here. She gets to hold my daughter and walk with my son. We get to argue - just like we did when I lived in Estonia and went to uni - and then we get to make up again, until we start arguing again.
Having her here has made me realise just how much my worldview has changed over the past ten years. It's like I speak a different language. Technically, we speak the same - Estonian - but we understand what we say differently, and I recognise in it bits that are specifically... Estonian. Nordic. Post-Soviet.
And in it I am starting to see that, God!, I'm not really that much Estonian any more. I am still from Estonia, but I am not like it much any more, and it makes me feel... rootless, unsettled somehow, because I am not sure I am New Zealandish either, but in that unsettled-ness it is also giving me a sense of freedom for I am living where I have chosen to be living and... and...
It's hard to write. What I want to say is so nuanced that I am not sure even I know exactly what it is that I want to be saying, but the bottom line is, I am different. I've become different, and it is both sad and gratifying to see.