Yesterday night I was sitting at the table re-doing some schoolwork. I had read on the forum how other students had approached an assignment and quite clearly I had done mine the opposite to what others had done; and so I was trying to re-do mine.
And it wasn't going.
Puff, puff, pant, pant, growl, growl. Books, magazines, internet, sketchbook; and then back to puff, puff, pant, pant, growl, growl.
At close to 9 pm I was holding back tears. "I can't do it," I thought, and not in a sense of that assignment specifically but in the sense of school in general. There's so much of everything, and so little time.
But then as I was fishing an eraser out of a pencil case I thought to myself, "Come on, of course you can do it. Yes, it's hard, and yes, you're tired, but how many times already have you done something hard whilst you were tired?"
A lightbulb went off in my head, and I smirked.
I knew it was going to be hard back when I first applied to school already. I knew back then already that I was going to have evenings like that, and it didn't put me off because mostly, I just asked myself back then already that... When's it ever gonna get easier?
We don't have grandparents that we can "load" children off to, to do schoolwork or to just rest, as it is already - and we're not going to. Nothing's gonna change.
Yes, The Kid is demanding, but in three years' time The Girlie is going to be what The Kid is now. Nothing's gonna change.
To change our circumstances significantly, we need to get my earning potential up now, so that The Man can tune down, and for that, I need school. And to get school done, I need to do schoolwork now.
And that's that.
And so I packed up my stuff, printed a magazine article to read in bed and headed towards the bedroom. Sometime as I was falling asleep I even figured out how to solve that problem which I will probably attempt writing down today again.
Of course it's hard, Maria, but I never thought it was going to be otherwise anyway. It's hard, but I am going to do it anyway. I know I can. I've already done things I've cried over before, and done them well.